Today I was sitting with a coworker and she was beginning to
lose her patience during lunch, I could see it and frankly I was kind of
laughing at her, she knew it and expected it from me. She then says I don’t
know what it is about today but my patience is running thin. I quickly reply oh
heck I lost mine before I ever left my house this morning (which looking back
after reading an article, I was a conservation narcissist, in that situation,
more on that another time). Back to the losing the patience before leaving the
house. As soon as I said it out loud today I felt sad, like deep down sad. What
in the world am I doing losing my patience long before the day really starts. Why
am I starting my day this way and why am I starting my kid’s day this way!
I mean I am being completely raw with you guys my heart is
hurt about how I was. This morning was rough like from the get go. Conrad was
in a constant screaming tirade about well everything, he didn’t like the shirt I
picked out, he didn’t want to poop, he didn’t want his diaper changed, he didn’t
want to go to Lissa’s (daycare), he wanted to take his drawing board but it was
too heavy, he wanted M&M’s (really kid), he didn’t want his coat zipped but
he as cold, the list literally continues on and on. Charlot was trying to help
but it just seemed that whatever she did just fired her brother up more.
Then I asked the fateful words are you good with the country
steak at school for lunch, “I guess because you don’t have time to make lunch
for me.” Cut me to the core. Now before I even hear this yes, she is old enough
to pack her own lunch but this is kind of my thing I make homemade treats each
week for her lunch box, I leave little notes I take pride in sending a piece of
myself with her to school. More than anything it helps me with my mom guilt,
selfish yes. Any way back on task here. I packed the lunch but probably not
with the love and care I normally do. Why because I didn’t realize she wanted
to pack her lunch, her brother was crying about his tanks not hooking up right,
and frankly I was stressed.
I read those things all the time about a dirty kitchen means
I have food to eat, laundry means I have clothes to wear, you know the things I’m
talking about…and frankly yes, I know I am very blessed in my life. But at the
same time just because I am aware of the blessing can I not be less than grateful
from time to time? I think you can I think it is ok sometimes to need a moment,
a pause a minute to not help anyone else to just breathe and be. I don’t really
know what the intention of this post was other than I hope some mom out there
is needing to hear she isn’t alone. That I fear each day that I am screwing up
my kids and that I am not loving them enough but each night when they lay down I
just try to remind myself that tomorrow is another day that I can try to be
better. So here’s to tomorrow morning! Lord help me. No seriously I pray…a lot!
